10 rules for working behind the bar
1) GIVE FREE DRINKS.
We all know free drinks is the third best thing you can give to a fellow human being (oral and money are still leading the race). All the more reason to give free drinks when you fancy the customer – all bars should have a tab labeled “hookups” to be cashed up only with phone numbers.
2) GIVE GOOD HEAD.
Unless I’m at a gig ordering a delicious super-cold Tuborg in a plastic cup, I want head. Delicious, foamy head. I want the head I don’t get at home. The bigger the better. And if I don’t get it I’ll make it myself with a straw, so spare me looking like an asshole, please. Cheers thanks.
3) BE KNOWLEDGEABLE BUT DON’T BE A PRICK.
When I ask “what do you suggest?”, limit yourself to the type of beer, its strength, and maybe where it’s from. Any more than that and I’m gonna space out faster than when anyone talks about their dreams. Make sure you ramble about beer with people who are into rambling. If you have trouble identifying them look out for beards, moobs, and Zelda t-shirts.
4) DON’T CALL IN SICK WHEN YOU’RE HUNGOVER.
You have EVERYTHING you need at the bar to recover. Work hungover, work sick, it’s called having balls (or its equivalent). Save your sick days for a surprise gig or a night in jail.
5) KEEP ON THE CHEF’S GOOD SIDE.
90% of pub chefs aren’t real chefs, but they think they are. Also, all chefs are cunts, so just play along and offer them refreshments regularly. You need them for that hangover, too.
6) BE AN ALCOHOLIC.
Liking booze is a career –the best one if you ask me. Get into it and you will no longer feel like doing a “monkey job”.
7) RELAX.
Don’t be that guy who cleans gum under the tables when there’s nothing to do. You are getting paid just enough to deal with 3 lines of assholes waving notes on your face.
8) TRY EVERYTHING.
People that work at bars and still drink Peroni deserve to choke on it. Never again in your entire life will you have a whole bar at your disposal, so taste the shit out of everything.
9) DON’T STINK.
Everyone forgets to put on deodorant from time to time, but you just can’t ignore it behind the bar. Here’s what you do: grab a lemon, go to the toilet, and apply over the infected area. That will buy you 30 minutes to an hour before you can nip to the corner shop to buy deodorant.
10) MAKE A FACE WHEN ASKED FOR TEA OR COFFEE.
How else are they going to learn? It might not work immediately but if we all work together maybe in 10 years people will know the difference between a bar and a coffee shop.
PublicHouse Mag.com